[Post still in editing process]
Hi.
My name is _________ Nicole _______.
I was going to just make a whole other blog for this one specific post.
That's how real I feel like getting.
YES. THAT REAL.
Had an epiphany today.
Came with at least two thirds a bottle of wine, a dime and Emo ass Kid Cudi playing in the background.
I don't expect you to expect anything from this blog. But it's about to get too honest.
I see around me... a bleak future for my peers. Nothing substantial.
I see people wasting time and numbing pain. I see in our eyes a common grayness.
Everyone feeling the same thing, but no one admitting it for fear of being the "emo" friend. Or , in better words: the overly "blooded, ardent, fervent, excitable, temperamental, melodramatic, tempestuous, demonstrative, responsive, tender, loving, feeling, sentimental, sensitive," one.
You know what I think?
No, no you don't cause you could never know me.
Done.
-A
NO, I couldn't. I couldn't leave it at only that.
To be absolutely, completely, honest: Tonight, my friend told me she tried to kill herself like 3 weeks ago and they had to pump her stomach.
:: FLatline::
I don't know how to begin on this subject, but I want to get my opinion out there.
First thing that came to my head?
-"I wasn't there for her."
Second Thing?
-"She has a three year old son, why would she do that?"
Third thing?
-"How can I help her?"
In all realness, we've ALL felt some kind of darkness overcome us completely at one time or another. Maybe not so much that we wanted to end our own lives, but enough that it hurt...bad.
I didn't even know what to start to tell her. I knew her life, where she came from, even why she became this person. But the words to say I understood, couldn't come out at first.
I believe we are so tied up in keeping that straight face, that we lose our ability to relate. To even try to touch bases with a common human, whom feels the same things you feel... all the time. To even understand that concept, you'd have to first grasp the idea that even the person sitting next to you on the train, has felt many of the same reactions to life that you have. Loss, Anger, Excitement, Peace, or Joy, we've all had those extreme moments.
Still, I couldn't, at first find something to tell her, without expressing my own weakness.
In that was the compromise. To be humane and give a fuck, takes off this Herculean shield. And of course why would one want to do that when YOU"RE COOOOOOLLLLL?!
Ugh, I feel like putting the comp down at this point. I don't want to tell people about themselves anymore. SO caught up with distractions, like zombies, led to look at the world in a certain way. God forbid someone told you about yourself. Wasting nights in a bottle of alcohol, wasting our lungs in a bong, fucking the pain away... replacing all the emotions your supposed to feel anyway in a substance. Why not just feel those things and find ways through them? Or to just live them?
NO one ever gave my friend a solution, or a way to cope. She thought giving out was the easiest road, thought that if she couldn't provide the life she wanted her son to have, then she shouldn't live at all. Where do we get these perverse twisted ideas of what life is supposed to be from? Why do we always think that the people we see smiling are happy? Why have to uphold a certain "rep?" Why not be real and say: "Yo, I feel like absolute shit today, please bear with me?" Why not get the response: "Yeah, me too dude?"
I started to see the pattern in our youth today most vividly through twitter... to be honest. I began noticing "scene goer's" late night desperate tweets. Sounding so empty, so alone. Yet when an "RT" to their blog is necessary, they talk to anyone and everyone about absolutely nothing. Push pictures of events about absolutely nothing, with people doing absolutely nothing (while high and drunk of course). Making music about absolutely nothing, writing about absolutely nothing. Nothing that mattered of course.
SO I ask myself do people really not see the bullshit? Could I really be that different? Am I the only one that noticed after that "poppin ass party" with all those "chill ass people" that unless u went home with someone, you felt the same? That the more you drank, the more you noticed that void? That the best part of the night was walking home with your homegirls, and how honest you were with each other? How hard you laughed once you left the "scene" and all the liquor that "took the edge off" had you now talking way too much shit.
I just don't know what were doing anymore. At 40 years old, are these parties gonna matter? Your blog gonna matter? That mix-tape you made and performed at Santos Party Haus mattered? Seriously? We have half private, half edited convos on a streaming timeline/chat room now? That's how we meet up to have quality time? LMFAO. I guess I'm just getting old.
While everyone else just seems to be getting younger and younger. My little brother and sister at 11 and in 7th grade remind me of the bleak state of our "e-cultured" youth even more. i.e: My little sister telling me about some of her classmates being "bi." Opening my little brothers IM message from a class mate, and the little cluck asking him how his love life is?! What in the fucking world is going on? You're 12! It just happening sooner and sooner, the desensitization.
From young, being fed this fucked up ideal of how we're supposed to look to everyone else, so much that we forgot how to be truly human. To love, forgive and relate. To care, to give a three flying fucks. To open up and express those horrible feelings you feel. Instead we clam up, keep that smile on, down that shot, write that tweet, take that pull, make that joke... all until our demise.
Only generation to never form a subculture was ours. You know what we'll be remembered as in 20 years?
The Douche Bag Generation.
-A
The above message was only intended for the masses. If i'm not talking to you, then I wont strike you.
